CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas now ?" 

LITTLE JOHNNY

It is near the Winter break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHEL

 The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

 "Hello.""Mrs. Sanders, please."

 "Speaking.""

 Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.   Frankly, either way the results are not too good.

 ""What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

 "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.

 ""That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

 "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.

 ""Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

 "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

 If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

GOING TO HELL

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to
hell. While there, they see a phone and ask what it is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth.  Putin asks to call Russia
and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him
that the cost is $100, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
was finished the devil informs her that cost is $600, so she writes
him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was
finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the
call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became
president of the USA , the country has gone to Hell, so it's a local
call."

Courtesy of Full Throttle Magazine