KINGERGARTEN HUMOR

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade.

 The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'. She then asked little Alex what he had done?

 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

 Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest and with
 great pride, and said,

 'Winnie the SHIT'.

WHEN YOU HAVE A ' I HATE MY JOB' DAY,  TRY THIS: 
On your way home from work, stop at your WALGREENS and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE REAR THAN YOURS!

SWEET REVENGE

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.  "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.  "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,"  her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.  And then I won the multi-state lottery.  I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.  And my wife and I traveled all around the world.  We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.  I fell and hit my head, and here I am.  What a bummer!  How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to o the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

LITTLE JOHNNY ON POLITICS

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'  Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the

family, so call me The President, your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' Johnny replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Courtesy of Full Throttle Magazine